Your Big Game Party Is Gonna Suck.
BUT IT DOESN’T HAVE TO AND WE CAN HELP.
FOLLOW THESE TIPS AND YOU’LL BE OKAY. YOU CAN THANK US LATER.
Let’s clear one thing up first. When we refer to the “Big Game,” you know we’re referring to a particular football game being played in Houston, Texas, on Sunday, February 5, 2017. Here’s why we can’t call it by it’s actual name. Hopefully you know exactly what we’re referring to when we say Big Game Party. If not, here’s another website for you.
Now that we got that out of the way, back to the party you wanted to have. Why is your party to be less than you wanted, you ask? We know; it’s not entirely your fault. The Big Game is one of the biggest sporting events in the world. With all the hype around the game, the halftime show, and even the commercials, the expectations are high. Your party will be held to the same expectations just by being associated the Big Game.
People expect world-stage style events when they think of the Big Game. This is notoriously a night for over- indulgence and a lack of inhibition; if gluttony is a sin, the devil is smiling on Big Game Sunday. I’m not surprised that, according to several reputable sources, the day after the Big Game is the least productive work day of the year. If you’re really the person we all know you want to be, you’re probably attending the Big Game, rubbing elbows with A-list celebrities, and chatting up every beautiful man-woman in the tri-county area. But let’s be honest, it never works out that way.
1. Turn the Volume Up. There is a lot of scientific data proving that a louder and livelier atmosphere always leads to better parties. I won’t bore you with those details and the scientific facts, but trust me, turn it up.
2. Booze. For many, beer and alcohol increase the potential for fun no matter what the occasion. This may seem obvious but, believe it or not, not everybody has your discerning palate for a watered down brewskies and bottom-shelf liquor/wine. You don’t need to have every craft beer known to man, but make sure to have respectable repertoire of the local craft brews. Surprisingly enough, scientific studies show that Mexican beers are the biggest crowd pleasers. Who knew, right? Go figure. Make sure to grab a few of them, too. Don’t forget to get yourself a few bottles of wine before your guests come over. Grab a nice bottle of red and white; nothing with a twist off. You don’t need to be a wine connoisseur to make this work; just make sure it’s not in a box. And if it’s in a box, at least slap the bag when you pull it out. Where are your manners? Lastly, and in our humble opinion, vodka, gin, and bourbon are the most crowd-pleasing liquors. Even though most of your guests will drink simple mixers, who knows? Maybe the guy who keeps yelling at the announcers on television wants to make himself a manhattan, a gin martini, or an old-fashioned. What then? You don’t need to go with a full bar, but a respectable repertoire of booze are a basic necessity of any decent party, the same way dental hygiene and/or a heartbeat are necessities of life.
3. Food. Contrary to what you were thinking, you can’t rely on feeding your guests through the “Bring Your Own ____” method. That’s just enough to ensure there’s enough junk food for the hungry crowd to graze, but you’re the host. Remember what I was saying earlier about expectations and bad decisions? Don’t make this rookie mistake. You need real food. So here’s our biggest tip to you for the Big Game: don’t cook anything. No, really. Nobody wants to eat the seven–layer cheeto and bean dip you saw on Pinterest. The answer is simple. Call your nearest Quarterdeck and order a sushi boat. And not just any sushi boat; go get yourself a Super Boat (really, it’s amazing). It looks like something that your favorite quarterback would eat off of their significant other(s) after winning the Big Game. A Super Boat has plenty of Quarterdeck’s award-winning baby back ribs, our world-famous wings, and the freshest hand-rolled sushi this side of the Mason-Dixon line. It’s easy, affordable, and sure to be devoured and enjoyed by everyone at your party. This Super Boat will please everyone; we swear. Well, maybe not the vegan crowd. But “hey,” you probably have some lettuce and carrots they’re sure to enjoy.
4. The More the Merrier. It’s the Big Game for heaven’s sake. Invite a truck-load of people because this is not your first rodeo and you know not everyone is going to show up. If you don’t invite everyone you know, your “party” is going to be an intimate gathering of four. Yawn!
If you follow these simple tips, you’ll elevate your party status with the locals and increase your attractiveness with all those people been meeting on the online-dating sites you’ve been frequenting lately (no explanation necessary. We know. It’s fine.). At the very least, your Big Game party will be a hit and not a colossal bust. Now go order a Super Boat before you forget and regret hosting the worst party of the year on Monday.